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Here’s a summary and analysis of Dealing with Feeling: Use Your Emotions to Create the Life You Want by Marc Brackett (2025)
Who is the Author & Why this Book Matters
- Marc Brackett is PhD, founding director of the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence, professor at Yale.
- He previously wrote Permission to Feel. He also developed the “RULER” framework (Recognizing, Understanding, Labeling, Expressing, and Regulating emotions) which has been used in thousands of schools.
- Dealing with Feeling builds on his work in emotional intelligence and emotion regulation: not just accepting that emotions matter, but giving tools and practices for how to work with them in everyday life.
Core Messages / Themes
Here are the key ideas Brackett advances:
- Emotions Are Information, Not Enemies
There are no “bad emotions” per se—only emotions we don’t yet understand or don’t have skills to manage. Every emotion can signal something meaningful about our needs, values, or situation. Learning to accept them helps rather than fighting or suppressing. - Emotion Regulation Is a Skill to Be Learned
Brackett argues that how we respond in emotional moments isn’t fixed. Like any skill, it can be honed through reflection, strategies, and practice. This means you can improve in stress, relationships, decision-making, etc. - Acceptance and Understanding over Judgment
Self-compassion, reducing judgment of one’s emotional responses, and giving oneself “grace” for mistakes or strong reactions are important. Treat emotions with curiosity. - Science-Backed Strategies
The book doesn’t stay in abstract: it offers evidence-based techniques drawn from psychology, neuroscience, and Brackett’s own research. These include strategies like cognitive reframing, self-regulation, breathing or mindfulness practices, co-regulation (i.e. how relationships help manage feelings). - Real-Life Application Across Contexts
The guidance is not just for therapy-like settings. Brackett shows how emotion regulation plays out in work, friendship, family, leadership, adversity, etc. Success (or failure) in many areas depends significantly on how we deal with our feelings. - Emotion Literacy + Expression
Becoming fluent in emotional vocabulary (what are these feelings? what triggers them? how intense?) and being able to express them appropriately (not suppress, not explode) is central. This is part of the RULER framework.
Structural Features / What to Expect
- The book includes some of Brackett’s own emotional challenges and growth—so there are personal stories.
- It interweaves the scientific research with concrete, actionable tools so the reader can apply what is learned.
- Published in multiple formats (hardcover, ebook, audio). About 320 pages.
What You’ll Gain / Practical Takeaways
If you engage with this book fully, some benefits might be:
- Better self-awareness of what you feel and why
- Greater ability to respond (rather than react) in emotionally charged situations
- More healthier relationships, because understanding your emotions can improve communication
- More resilience, better coping under stress or adversity
- Improved well-being: mental health, possibly even physical health benefits from less chronic stress
Limitations / Considerations
- Learning emotion regulation takes time and regular practice; the tools may not be “quick fixes”.
- Some strategies require external supports (e.g. good relationships, mentors, environments that allow emotional safety). Not everyone has that.
- Cultural, individual differences in how emotions are expressed or understood: some parts may need adaptation depending on one’s background.
Overall Assessment
Dealing with Feeling is a timely, approachable, well-researched guide for anyone who wants not just to cope with their emotions, but to use them as a compass to build a more fulfilling life. It is especially useful for people who feel overwhelmed, stuck in reactive patterns, or disconnected from their emotional lives. It offers a hopeful message: that rather than being at the mercy of feeling, we can harness emotions with clarity, purpose, and compassion.
Here are 10 of the most useful tools and practices from Marc Brackett’s Dealing with Feeling: Use Your Emotions to Create the Life You Want (2025). These are distilled from the book’s research-backed methods and frameworks:
🔟 Most Useful Tools from
Dealing with Feeling
🌡️ Mood Meter Tracking
Brackett uses his “Mood Meter” (high/low energy × pleasant/unpleasant) to help people regularly check in with emotions. Naming precisely what you feel—rather than just “good” or “bad”—is the foundation of self-awareness.
🧩 RULER Framework
The five steps—Recognize, Understand, Label, Express, Regulate—guide emotional intelligence. This is the overarching method: spot your emotion, know why, give it a name, express appropriately, and choose a strategy.
🪞 Emotional Granularity
Practice expanding your vocabulary beyond “angry” or “sad” to more nuanced terms like frustrated, disappointed, resentful, uneasy. The more precise the word, the more targeted the regulation strategy you can apply.
💭 Cognitive Reframing
Learn to reinterpret a situation in a new light. Instead of “I failed,” shift to “I learned what doesn’t work yet.” Reframing alters emotional intensity without suppressing it.
🌬️ Physiological Regulation
Simple but powerful: breathing techniques, progressive muscle relaxation, or mindfulness. These regulate the nervous system, reducing the grip of intense emotions.
🤝 Co-Regulation with Others
We don’t regulate emotions only alone. Brackett emphasizes using trusted relationships—friends, mentors, colleagues—to share feelings, get perspective, or calm down together.
📓 Emotion Journaling
Writing down emotions, triggers, and responses creates clarity and helps spot patterns. Over time, journaling builds self-knowledge and makes emotional shifts visible.
🧠 Implementation Intentions (“If-Then” Plans)
Prepare responses for emotional triggers: “If I feel overwhelmed in a meeting, then I’ll pause, take two breaths, and ask for a moment.” These micro-plans reduce impulsive reactions.
💡 Self-Compassion Practices
Instead of judging yourself for being “too sensitive” or “weak,” Brackett advocates exercises to treat your emotional life with kindness—acknowledging that all feelings are valid and human.
🎯 Using Emotions as Data
Ask: “What is this emotion telling me?” Anxiety might signal unmet preparation needs; envy could highlight values or goals. This transforms emotions into a compass rather than a burden.
👉 These tools overlap, but together they create a practical system for emotion mastery—from noticing emotions more accurately, to choosing better responses, to using feelings as fuel for decisions and relationships.